How I’m Broken
Many of you have been curious about what exactly it is I’m going through, and the conclusions I’ve reached after much analysis and help from others (especially Marc who, having tread a similar path, is able to recognize the roadsigns). What I’m going to talk about are conclusions I’ve arrived at that were not easy in coming. There have been many months of doubt, confusion, and wild goose chases. And all is not likely yet discovered, but I think it’s a start.
What I still lack is a definitive diagnosis from a qualified professional as to the specific name for what it is I have. From my research, however, there is very good evidence that the main thing that’s keeping me from the life I’d prefer to lead is a form of OCD called “Pure O.”
Society’s picture of OCD is of someone who needs their crap in a certain spot or they get “bugged,” or someone who washes their hands compulsively or suffers from extreme perfectionism. Indeed, when we think of the term “obsess” in the standard English sense, we associate it with either a sort of incessant worrying, or a focus that demands constant priority: “he’s obsessed with getting good grades,” “quit obsessing over how your hair looks,” “romance novels had become an obsession for her.”
These definitions had been getting in the way of my realizing what “obsession” means for me, in terms of the disorder I have. There were some other big barriers as well, which I will discuss in a bit.
First, I’d like to attempt to convey that which cannot be conveyed: “how it feels.” Obviously if you don’t have a frame of reference, it’s not really going to make sense: you will, as I did, only be able to see the results, and as such will attempt to apply the wrong solutions.
As a programmer, I hope you will excuse the programming analogy when I say that when the effects of the disorder are upon me, it’s like my brain (or at least a significant part of my brain) is stuck in an infinite loop, or that a “program has become non-responsive.” For you Windows users, it’s like my cursor has turned into an hourglass. (For you Mac users, a beach ball.) (You Linux users, of course, have never had programs mess up, so just try and bear with me.)
In other words, it’s as if something is going on in my subconscious that is preventing me from being able to make what should be a very simple decision. The effects are so strong, that they even manifest themselves physically: I become incredibly tired, as if I haven’t slept all night, even if I got plenty of sleep. When the situation causing it is over, I am suddenly no longer sleepy at all. When it is going on, you will likely see me (possibly already dressed and ready to go to wherever) sitting down, staring at the floor, concentrating very hard.
Though some situations always trigger it (like going to school or church), others only do sometimes. I haven’t quite figured out yet all the nuances, but there’s been times that it’s triggered even when I was attempting to do something very innocuous. I could tell tales of sitting in the car, already in the BYU parking lot, trying to force myself to just walk in the door to play the organ (something I enjoy a lot). One occasion took almost two hours for me to get out.
Now would be a good time to address some of the things that this experience is not, because I can already tell that some of you reading this are formulating opinions or passing judgment or readying motivational speeches.
- It is not laziness. This was the one that had me fooled for the longest time. I don’t have a good opinion of myself anyway, and naturally I assumed that I was just being a slacker or something. To further complicate matters, I really am lazy sometimes. But I’ve come to start to realize the difference between the two. Note that the end RESULT is quite similar to laziness, i.e. not getting something done or letting someone down (more on this in a bit). However, the crucial difference lies in how to deal with it. Laziness can be overcome with proper motivation and/or willpower. “Just get in the car and go,” “people are counting on me,” “I have nothing better to do,” “this NEEDS to get done,” “this is important to me,” “I will reward myself if I go,” etc. These are all good things to tell yourself when you are looking at doing something you don’t want to do, or procrastinating, or general laziness. I use these strategies to make myself get to the gym, and they work much of the time.
- It is not anxiety. This is another thing that can cause us to hesitate or, in some cases, be unable to do something. Again, I’ve also in the past mistakenly put the blame here, because I do have certain anxieties, some of which can be quite strong at times. However, I’ve also learned to spot some differences between when I’m fearful of going somewhere, and when my brain is illogically beachballing. I suppose it is possible that certain subconscious anxieties are at the root of the disorder triggering, but in any case it’s not a conscious thing, like stage fright or fear of social awkwardness.
- It is not depression. I have been depressed enough in the past where I’ve literally had no motivation to live, much less get out of bed and go somewhere. When you are depressed, you tend to lack the motivation to do things. Here is what is tricky: I do tend to suffer from depression, negativity, and self-loathing. Additionally, failing to achieve what I want to achieve in life is a major cause of depression for me. When you fail to do something because you are depressed, this increases the depression, because you’ve failed again. Similarly, the disorder I have can and does quite often lead me to depression, because of how it hampers my ability to do things.
All of the above issues are present in me and need work. But even many of you reading this struggle with them and are still able to do much of what is important to you. Indeed, I have been successful (sometimes on my own, sometimes with the help of others) in being able to do certain things that the above issues have made much more difficult.
But this is a different beast. I’m definitely not saying there’s no way to deal with it (if so, I’m screwed). But I haven’t yet found that way. I’m certainly not the only one to have this, though, and there remains a lot to be tried.
In the meantime, I want to address something I said above. When it all comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if I’m sick or crazy or broken or lazy or scared if the end result is the same. That is, I’d like to liken it to someone who is vulgar compared to someone with Tourette’s:
Certainly, most would agree that the person who suffers from Tourette’s is less “to blame” for his outbursts than someone who is merely crude and inconscientious. However, everyone would agree that you don’t hire either of them to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Therefore, I recognize that in the end, I’m a loser, whatever the reason is. However, I feel that this may not always be the case, and in the meantime I hope this has served a bit to educate those who are tempted to send me emails about how I just need to try harder or something. Quite frankly, I appreciate the sentiment, but that sort of advice only serves to make me feel even worse. I want very much to be able to get an education, be in a relationship, hold a steady job, and attend church regularly. I would go so far as to say that really that’s all I want out of life. I would hope that those who read this would not dismiss my hitherto failure in these areas as a result of lack of desire, motivation, or, yes, even effort.
I’m planning to continue counseling and medicine, starting meditation and image therapy, and building up to things that are tough instead of trying to just do them like a normal person can.
As I see it, some people are born physically weak, some are born stupid, some are born ugly. And some are born with other weaknesses, maybe ones a bit less apparent or prevalent. I hope that there’s hope; really I don’t know. Some who are lame eventually are able to walk, some never are. I genuinely hope I’m not living with my parents in 10 years. But I suppose only time will tell.